Insights

When we do not make our boundaries known at work, we become resentful.

resentful /rɪˈzɛntfʊl,rɪˈzɛntf(ə)l/  Adjective: Feeling or expressing bitterness or anger at having been mistreated.

Whether we acknowledge them or not, all - yes, all - relationships thrive on boundaries.

If something is not okay for you and makes you uncomfortable, it will likely be a boundary. Having no limits is choosing not to say no to what makes us comfortable. If yesism, people pleasing, and default compromising sound familiar, you may have some boundary issues.

Let’s be clear, setting boundaries does not mean being unapproachable and abrasive. It simply means teaching people how to treat you. The more you feel like you can’t say no, the more likely you feel disempowered, hopeless and resentful. The absence of boundaries at work can lead to poor work-life balance, exhaustion, burnout, poor health, relationship tension and even depression.

Boundary Driven Leadership

Outstanding leadership is not unlimited accessibility, saying yes all the time, an open door policy, and violating your boundaries. That’s called people pleasing at the expense of one’s values. At a minimum, good leaders are those with good mental health - which requires boundaries.

Here are a few non-exhaustive ways leaders can set boundaries that are good for them and the work environment.

• Leave work when the day is done. Long (and possibly unproductive) hours in the office are unhealthy for you and create an expectation for your team to work late. I have encountered many cultures where it is unspoken but well-understood that leaving before the boss is career extinguishing.

• Close your door sometimes. While this may or may not be literally closing the door, what this means is to be unavailable sometimes. You, too, need focus time, alone time and reflection time. Instead, create slots of time where your team knows you are accessible.

• Verbalise your boundaries. By simply making your limits known, you remove the need to communicate your boundaries passive-aggressively, you’re not undermining relationships due to your resentment, and you make it easier for your team to relate to you.

• Invite your team to express their boundaries to you and other colleagues - and respect them.

As a leader, there are many ways to healthily set boundaries because boundaries are highly personal. Anchor your boundaries to your values, and they are easy to identify.

Three useful don’ts:

• Don’t confuse boundaries with control

• Don’t weaponise boundaries

• Don’t expect only your boundaries to be respected.

Setting Boundaries with Your Boss and Colleagues

Yes, you can and should set boundaries with your boss and colleagues. For all the reasons I mention above and more. If you cannot set boundaries at work, the relationships that hold your life together will suffer. Many people are of the erroneous belief that your boss should have 24/7 access to you, and not being available means you are not committed enough.

Here are some examples of boundary-setting statements:

• I feel uncomfortable with

• I need help with

• No

• I would like more of

• I would like less of

• I am unavailable between this time and that.

• I do not want to be hugged (so many people feel obligated to hug back the huggers that walk among us. If you feel uncomfortable with intimate chest contact, or having your head in the armpit of your boss and colleagues - say so!)

• I do not appreciate comments or conversations that feature X

Teams that do not respect each other’s boundaries can be places where bullying, sarcasm, passive aggression and even sabotage can be found.

Boundaries With Self

Respecting your limits is at the heart of the matter. We often don’t set boundaries with ourselves and then become resentful of others for not respecting ours.

Ways in which we violate our boundaries that show up at work

• Not taking time off

• Being tethered to your phone and devices

• Not getting enough sleep

• Not managing your health and habits

Importantly though, if we do not state our needs and discomforts at work, we carry that resentment home to be wielded over the relationships in our lives.

As you set boundaries - take stock of other people’s boundaries and respect them.

Fundamentally, healthy organisations have the same thing in common. They are spaces where people respect each other - and this means expressing and respecting each other boundaries.